I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
