i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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