successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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