Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
