dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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