just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
