Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
