I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
