I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
