can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
