my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
