she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
