I didn't shave. On purpose
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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