Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
