Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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