he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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