meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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