I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
