I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
