Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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