I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
