Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
