i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we're making bets on your personal life
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
