he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW