i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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