Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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