Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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