happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
