I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
