so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
