i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
