i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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