My Higher Power is John Stamos
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
