This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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