WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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