I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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