I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
