I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
