Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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