whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
