Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
