well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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