If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
