Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
