yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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