how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Two words: blizzard sex
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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