Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
