Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
