My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
