This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
