Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
