He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
