I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
