saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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