I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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