can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
