You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You're a waste of cheezeits
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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