this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
