have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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