The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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