Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
